Parent Issues

Anger
“But I NEED the car!” Michael insisted in reaction to his mother’s refusal. “My friends are all counting on me. How are we going to get to the party?” His voice was getting louder and more intense. His mother tried to explain her objection to him driving a large group of kids so soon after getting his license. “You don’t trust me! Dad would have let me! I wish I lived with him!” Michael yelled at his mother. As turned to leave the kitchen he punched the wall, breaking the plaster.

Julie was unusually quiet, staying in her room after school. When her friend, Simone, called, she refused to take the phone, telling her mother to tell her that she wasn’t home. “Why should I talk to someone who tells lies about me?” Julie said and ran back to her room, crying.

The Problem
Anger is an unpleasant emotion that teens have difficulty dealing with, as do most adults. Expressed without restraint, anger leads to broken relationships, social censure such as school suspension, job loss or even legal charges. When denied or suppressed, anger can cause health problems such as headaches, ulcers, and depression; and unhealthy relationships and patterns of dealing with problems in life. Yet, anger is a fact of life and actually has a beneficial purpose. When viewed this way, and when skills for dealing with it are developed, anger can enhance relationships and personal growth.

As our children move into their teens they often experience increased frustration and anger due to hormonal changes, new pressures, and increased sensitivity. It is important to help young people learn positive ways of dealing with anger.

Causes
Frustration This is common to all – our desires aren’t met or hopes are dashed. It commonly provokes anger. The teen years, of course, is a time of new expectations that youth feel intense about – being with friends, getting a driver’s licence, having the right clothes, etc. With the idealism of youth clashing with the harsh realities of the world – one of which is the limitations of parent’s pocketbook – it’s not surprising that teens frequently experience angry feelings.

Hurts Physical and emotional hurt (or threat of it) is a common cause of anger. Anger is a natural reaction to a physical blow. Words cut deeper and emotional wounds take longer to heal. Put-downs, ridicule, rejection, betrayal – these provoke anger to rally our defense as much as if our physical safety was being attacked. Teens are susceptible to feeling hurt because of their heightened insecurity and self-consciousness. Their need for acceptance, belonging and reassurance make them very sensitive to criticism and rejection. Many experience some degree of ridicule, rejection or even bullying.

Injustice God has wired us to be sensitive to injustice and be angered by it – it serves as an alarm that something’s wrong and motivate us to take action. With budding ability for abstract thinking, teens have a heightened sense of fairness/justice that they apply to others & themselves. If teachers/parents fall short they experience a righteous anger.

Shame Feeling ‘no good’, worthless, a failure. Though many of us have moments when we feel like we’ve blown it, shame is a lasting sense of being bad. Anger against this shame we feel is often expressed in angry reaction to the situations and people that make us feel bad (for teens, a low grade on a project; criticism, especially of character or appearance). We are designed to feel special and competent, so anger is a warning when this is threatened.

Expressions

Anger can be expressed in many ways, but some are harmful to health & relationships:

• Aggressive Anger that attacks others and tends to be explosive. This is the form of anger we usually think of. Although verbal ‘blow-ups’ can bring an issue in the open, they still leave people feeling hurt and the problem is compounded.

• Chronic Hostile attitude toward life leads to suspicion, irritability & chronic anger.

• Passive-aggressive If people aren’t comfortable with anger, believing anger is bad or that expressing it is dangerous/hurtful, they suppress them, but it doesn’t go away. Often it’s expressed in a hidden/sneaky way – unaware by the person.

• Inward Suppressed anger can be turned against oneself and is seen in different forms: frequent self-criticism & self-blaming, under-achievement due to doubting of abilities, and self-destructive choices and behaviour.

• Redirected Anger can be redirected, consciously or unconsciously, toward others. A positive redirection of anger, however, would be putting anger energy into a physical activity such as shooting basketballs in the gym.

• Assertive In healthy anger expression, anger is directed at the source of anger without attacking people personally and without threat of violence.

Healthy Anger Management

Think Correctly About Anger
Anger is normal part of life. God wired us for emotions, including anger, so we’d reflect his nature. Others can’t read our minds; we have to tell them if something frustrates or angers us. Angry reactions are to be screened; you don’t have to automatically get angry just because you could – some reactions are more productive than others.

Identify the Source of Anger
Listening to our feelings can help identify the source: is it frustration, hurt, injustice or something else? Slow down: Take time out to collect your thoughts and decide how to handle it. Go for a walk; listen to music; write out your thoughts. Evaluate: Am I jumping to conclusions? Over-reacting or misinterpreting?

Choose How to Express Anger
1.Write/draw – it enables us to deal with it and sometimes that’s all we need.
2. Exercise – Hit a ball, running, etc. can be a way of releasing anger as a first step.
3. Talk it out with the person involved if anger results from another’s actions.
4. Forgiveness is always an option. It’s not a matter of denying hurt. It is choosing to give up resentment; to give up the right to ‘get them back’ for what they have done.
5. Deal with it before bitterness has a chance to take over.

God’s Thoughts

Anger is OK – it’s one of the emotions God wired us for when he created us to reflect his nature. God is angry at injustice and sin in the world. Jesus was angry at the hypocrisy and greed of certain religious leaders.

Angry actions are to be screened. Is your anger is justified? “Don’t jump to conclusions and rush to argue your case.” (Proverbs 25:8)

Choose the most appropriate action:

a) Sometimes it’s best to overlook small faults/offenses. “Overlook an offense and bond a friendship; hold onto a slight – and good bye friend!” (Proverbs 17:14)

b) Other times it’s best to express anger directly & immediately. “Speak the truth to one another …; be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” (Ephesians 4:25, 26)

c) It is important to forgive the offender and to let go of our anger. (Matthew 6: 12-15; Mark 11:25 ) Even when the person who hurt us is not remorseful, we can turn the situation and outcome over to God.

d) God loves us and is in control: “Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. ‘I’ll do the judging,’ says God. ‘I’ll take care of it.‘” (Romans 12:17-19)

e) God can turn wrongs into something positive. Joseph’s brothers beat him and sold him as a slave. Later, Joseph became governor in Egypt . When he met up with his brothers, he told them, “What you meant for evil, God meant for good.” (Genesis 45:8)

f) Deal with anger as soon as possible, whichever response you choose. “Don’t let bitterness well up, causing trouble.” (Hebrews 12:15)

How can I help my teen?

• Model Healthy Anger Management This is probably the single most important way in which our teens learn from us, especially in how to deal with emotions and relationships.

• Express anger feelings. Feelings aren’t right or wrong – they just are.

• Provide safe boundaries / limits for expression of negative emotions:

• Each person must be respected

• No name calling or bossing

• No violence or threats

• Listen to, and accept their feelings When children feel their anger is listened to and accepted those feelings often become less intense. Listening and accepting them with their anger doesn’t mean you are agreeing with their perceptions.

• Give them safe ways to express their feelings Children/teens often don’t have the words to describe their emotions. Drawing a picture or creating a collage, or finding an analogy can be helpful. (One boy I talked to was able to describe his anger as a dinosaur. We were able to talk then about taming it.)

• Rehearse Positive Assertiveness Listening to their feelings is an excellent opportunity to teach, and rehearse with them, constructive ways of communicating their negative feelings solving problems.

• Help them by: taking time out when their anger is too intense for constructive dialogue; evaluating the accuracy of their beliefs about the situation.

• Help them decide the best way to handle it:
  Physical outlet
  Writing out how they feel (in a journal; as a ‘letter to God’; etc.)
  In prayer, telling God
  Confronting the person who has offended them.
  If planning to confront, coach him on positive assertiveness
  Forgiveness

Further Resources:

Feeling Good About Your Feelings
Barry Applewhite (Victor)

Good ‘n’ A ngry: How to Handle Your Anger Positively
Les Carter (Baker)

When Your World Makes No Sense
Dr. Henry Cloud (Oliver Nelson)

Anger Is a Choice
Tim LaHaye & Bob Phillips (Zondervan)

Anger: Yours and Mine and What to Do About It
Richard Walters (Zondervan)